Blog Blip - Thoughts about Daughters

My days are often alike, full of self-sacrifice and serving. I stay at home with my children and try to keep up a loving, clean, functioning home. In the afternoon I usually have some time to myself. It took some work, but I managed to coordinate the afternoon naps of my three children into the same two hour block of time. Sometimes I clean up things during those two hours, sometimes I eat lunch in silence, sometimes I read, and sometimes I even take a nap! Whatever I do, at the end of it, I always want five more minutes of ‘me-time’!My four year old rarely sleeps at naptime anymore, but he manages to stay relatively quiet in his room while the other children sleep. Today, as I open his bedroom door he jumps off his bed, lands on the floor with a loud thud and then exclaims, “Uhhh, I’m tired”. I laugh, because I am tired too. I’m too tired to be upset that he did not fall asleep, again. Next I open the door to my two and a half year olds room; she pops her head up from her pillow and says, “Treat Mommy?” Of course, it is snack time. They never forget. I move on to child number three, my six month old, and pull her up out of her bed to feed her. Yes, ‘me-time’ is clearly over. Yet, I would not trade my life for anyone’s. Being a mother has changed me, for the best.I had only been married for two and a half years when my son was born. I do not really remember much about being married before we had children. My husband and I seemed to adjust fairly well to being parents. We actually thought we were pretty good at it. Although we were surprised by our second pregnancy, coming only seven months after our son was born, not even the thought of having two babies in sixteen months seemed to scare me. I imagined that we would just make it work. However, I do remember thinking a force was out to get me the day we went in for baby number two’s twenty week ultrasound. Our ultrasound technician asked us if we wanted to know the sex of our baby. Believing #2 was another boy; we said “yes, please tell us”. I was shocked when I heard her say, “It’s a girl”. I realize that most women are excited to have a daughter. They have dreamt of shopping together and getting manicures, of slumber parties and learning to wear make-up. Not me, I was afraid to have girls. I welled up with tears and tired hard to hold them all in. My mind raced as I had a horrible thought, something I had heard for years about mothers and daughters. My thought was, she is going to grow up to be just like me! That is how the old saying goes, right? We resemble our parents. My son will turn out like his dad, sounds great. But, a mini-me? It just does not sound like a good idea. There are too many things still wrong with me. I am not nice enough, funny enough, or Godly enough. I am selfish and have a bad temper. I am irrational and jealous. I feel ugly sometimes and I doubt myself. And I am not sure any of those things can actually be fixed. Realizing that the curse was really on her, I began crying again!We picked our oldest daughter’s name out even before we were married, I just did not expect to ever use it. I really believed I was to be a mother of boys. What a ridiculous thought! My daughter’s name means, ‘royalty’. My husband is ‘beloved’, my son is ‘gift from God’, and my youngest daughter is ‘crooked nose’. We are hoping that she never asks the meaning of her name and we pray no accidents befall her so as her name defines her. This is what happens when you fall in love with a name and then learn the meaning. Ironically, I think, my name means butterfly. When I discovered I was to be a mother of a daughter, I felt less like a butterfly and more like a caterpillar. I even bit my nails! Little girls do not want their moms to be nail biters; their moms should have beautiful, appropriately long, painted nails. Nails for the world to see and love, not nails you want to hide.In November, 2004, my daughter was born and something in me has never been the same. She is ‘all girl’. She mothers her baby dolls, feeding them, clothing them, changing their diapers and putting them down for bed. She likes dresses and shoes and purses and talking on the phone. She loves to do all the things for her babies I love to do for my children and all the things I like to do as a girl. She mimics me, naturally. Slowly I have replaced my fear with hope and determination. Hope that God could do some work in me. Determination to be someone she would want to be when she grows into an adult. I fight internally to see myself as a much loved child of God. I strive to find beauty within. I dig deep to learn about myself and my emotions, so that I can react maturely in my relationships. I carve out time for myself so that I can be more loving and patient and fun. She inspires me to let go of my fears and pursue my dreams. I even quit biting my nails!Today I am a proud mother of three, one son and two daughters. These preschool and toddler years are all I know. I drive to play dates and preschool. We take trips to the pool and the library. I think in terms of sippy cups and diapers and burp cloths. I sing the praises of TiVo and Netflicks, and portable DVD players. Many think my life is limited and suffocating, but now, because I’m a mom, I know more about myself than ever before. I know the bad and ugly caterpillar parts of me. I know I need to grow and change. God is using these three little people to morph me into a butterfly. You see, ‘Me-time’ is my time to process and reflect, to refocus and gear up! ‘Me-time’ is for them too! I look at them and want to be the best that I can. Now, I am certain of my favorite things in life. I know what I want for my future. I am learning how to live joyously and purposefully. Now, I am truly thankful God blessed me with daughters.