Training Your Child Part II

Train Your Child Part II
In Part I of Train Your Child we took a deeper look at Proverbs 22:6. “Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” We talked extensively about the word “train”, the tools we need to train, the type of trainer we need to be, and the roadblocks we might encounter in the training process. I believe this verse is telling us to set our children apart for God’s future purpose in their lives. We also looked into Luke 2:52 as a powerful example of the ways in which Jesus grew as he was trained in childhood. Luke 2:52 says, “And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man.” For practical application we started to break down this verse and brainstorm ways to develop these traits in our children at various ages. In Part II I would like to build on the discussion about training and provide 3 techniques in addition that will help us reach our goal in parenting.
When we looked at training we were looking at a bigger picture. Within that bigger picture of training are specific techniques. Training is one of the techniques to use to achieve the broader goal of training our children in the way they should go. There is also a modeling technique, a teaching technique and a grace technique. First let’s begin with the modeling technique. We previously looked at how we were going to be good models by remaining in Christ when we spend time with him and put ourselves in God’s word. Not one of us can be the model that leads a child in the path he should go if we are not on the path ourselves. In Part II I want to emphasize how modeling will help our children reach the goals we have them. Listen to this excerpt from Donna Otto, author of Finding Your Purpose as a Mom,
"There is almost no limit to the things you can teach children through your example. You can model a love of books and a taste for learning. You can model good habits, such as prayer, cleaning up after yourself, keeping your closet organized, even flossing…By itself your example will not guarantee that your children will “catch” what you want them to. But your example shows them what is possible. It demonstrates what matters enough to invest your life in. By staying married to your husband and working out your problems, you demonstrate that people really can honor commitments for a lifetime—a powerful and life-giving message in this day of disposable marriages. By praying about your problems in front of your children—and sharing with them the answers to your prayers—you demonstrate that prayer is an important part of life. So much of what your children become, they will pick up by watching you everyday.”
Modeling can be a powerful technique in helping our children grown in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man. Just by practicing right behavior and right attitudes ourselves, our children will learn and copy that behavior and attitude. For example, we want our children to learn to pray to God. When we pray at mealtime and bedtime, we are modeling prayer. They will see this behavior as “what adults do.” And will therefore seek to copy us.
Teaching is another technique we need to talk about. It might sound as though teaching and training are very similar. Let’s distinguish between teaching and training a little. Listen to the two definitions Donna Otto gives for these words, “Teaching, essentially means imparting information or demonstrating skills, --giving facts, demonstrating techniques, explaining why…Training involves shaping her will and her habits, … training is our intentional effort to affect a child’s overall interaction with you and the world” (pg 178, 180). We see the idea of teaching in the verses 6-9 of Deuteronomy 6 where we are told to repeat the commands (God’s law) to our children, to talk about them at home, on trips, when going to bed and when waking, tie them to our hands and write them on our foreheads, doors and gates. Teaching is getting the information to them. Training as implicated in Proverbs 22:6 is shaping their characters, producing response that suggests more than just knowledge of right thinking, but hearts filled to move to right actions and attitudes. Let’s look at the previous example of wanting our children to pray to God. We will teach them what to say when they pray, so they will learn who to pray to (God, Jesus, Holy Spirit), how to pray (hands folded, heads bowed), what to pray about and when to pray. We will train them by expecting them to pray at bedtimes and mealtimes.
Finally the fourth technique to helping our children grow is extending grace. One final excerpt from Donna Otto, “Even as we work to teach our children and train them and model right behavior to them, we need to be in the constant process of extending grace to them. Giving grace is a matter of being patient with the growing process. It’s a matter of allowing for mistakes and encouraging second tries. It’s a matter of focusing on the possibilities of a relationship and the potential for a yet imperfect person, expecting the best and forgiving the worst, and helping those we love find new solutions when none of the old ones have worked” (pg 184). Extending grace in the example of prayer might look like reminding them to pray when they have forgotten at a mealtime or bedtime.
Even though these 4 techniques go hand in hand and build upon each other, training is our fundamental place to start. Teaching follows when questions of 'why do we do this?' begin to arise, modeling when he is able to copy your example, and grace when he understands he has forgotten to do something or how to do it. Listen to this final example and notice how the four techniques are used to help a child reach a goal you have for them. Let’s say you want your child to grow into an adult who brushes his or her teeth. You will begin this process by getting out the tooth and brushing their teeth. Since they are not capable of doing so themselves at such a young age, you train them that brushing teeth is a part of the bedtime and wake-time routines. Then as they grow you allow them to see you brush your teeth. From there you begin to teach them how to brush their own teeth. You might make a chart to record when they do so. Finally, you extend grace and bring the toothbrush to them should they forget one morning or evening. Using these 4 techniques will bring about the opportunities that your child needs to take up new and important responsibilities as an adult.
The discussion worksheets take the four square life and a character quality that a child should master in each one. A definition for each square of the 4-Square Life, from Luke 2:52 is included at the top of the page. For each character quality examples for development in our children, using the techniques of modeling, teaching, training and extending grace, are given for each age group. Take a look at these examples and spend time thinking of your next parenting move! Maybe for you it will be beginning to model right behavior to them because there are areas where you are not walking the talk. Possibly you need to spend some time in scripture learning some basic principles to be able to teach your child the right behavior and attitude. Perhaps it is time to break out the charts and stickers and start holding them accountable for the behavior you have been teaching. It could also be that it is time for your children to hear about grace. Certainly these lists are just the beginning. I encourage you to be in dialogue with at least one other mom who is trying to be deliberate about training her child in the way he should go. You can have someone to share trials and triumphs with. We are all new and inexperienced in this journey. It is good to team up together.

4 Square Life - Character Trait Examples using the four techniques

Wisdom:
Gaining in knowledge, understanding, and discernment; developing a sense of right and wrong; understanding when to stand firm and when to bend.

Trait Example: Building Character, honesty and manners

0-18 months
Model – speaking to others politely, using polite words

Teach – using words like ‘please’ and ‘thank you’

Train – carry out the action, having them say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’

Grace – give them gentle reminders when they forget


1.5 – 2
Model – demonstrate when you are wrong, apologize

Teach – explain rewards and consequences to behavior

Train – have them experience the rewards and consequences for behaviors

Grace – give them second chances to make good choices


3-4
Model – model in your relationships and interactions with others

Teach – teach them to express emotions constructively

Train – use charts and stickers

Grace – use ‘I forgive you’ when your child apologizes


Stature:
Growing to physical adulthood, but also becoming a person of integrity, character, and strength.

Trait Example: Building a healthy lifestyle

0-18 months
Model – taking walks with your child, limiting TV

Teach – teach them to eat good foods

Train – giving them baths and washing hands, cleanliness

Grace – reminders to wash, eat veggies, limit TV, and give some treats


Favor with God:
Growing into someone who loves and trusts God, who knows the Lord’s voice and obeys, who delights in God’s Word, who loves God and others and puts that love into action.

Trait Example: Growing into a person who prays

0-18 months
Model – Pray over them

Teach –

Train – Pray at mealtimes

Grace –


1.5 – 2
Model – let them see you praying

Teach – teach them simple prayers, how to bow head, fold hands

Train – pray at mealtimes and bedtimes

Grace –


3-4
Model – model deeper prayers

Teach – teach deeper prayers (beyond ‘thank you’)

Train – pray at mealtimes and bedtimes and begin praying at other times

Grace – remind them to pray (make a chart)


Favor with Man:
Growing into someone who gets along with others as much as possible without endangering his relationship with God A person who is kind, courteous, thoughtful, loving, who puts others first, who gets along without mindlessly conforming.

Trait Example: Kindness toward Others

0-18 months
Model – tone of voice

Teach – sharing

Train – sharing

Grace – helping them find solutions like sharing, taking turns, play with something else


1.5 – 2
Model – take turns

Teach – teach them not to hit, bite, kick, etc

Train – to help pick up toys

Grace – saying sorry and I forgive you


3-4
Model – holding doors

Teach – helping others with tasks, unloading dishwasher, setting the table

Train – begin playing games that involve taking turns, let others go first

Grace – explain Grace to your child