Training Your Child Part I

We are going to start with a verse I’m sure you are all familiar with, Proverbs 22:6. It says, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” This verse, like others in Proverbs, is not a promise, but a probability. If we do as we are told, train a child in the way he should go, the outcome will most likely be favorable, when he is old he will not depart from it. We have something to hope for when we choose to follow the instruction in Proverbs 22:6.
I’m sure you have already begun to realize this is a loaded verse. Many practical questions arise about training a child in the way he should go. Here are some questions we may have: What is the bible asking us to do when it says train a child? How do we know we are effective at the training? Eighteen years is a long time to wait to find out if we have been effective. What roadblocks will we come across in the training process? What does “in the way they should go” actually mean?
What does it mean to train? Let’s start by thinking about the word ‘train.’ In what contexts are we familiar with training? Think on each of these settings for training; military training, training for a marathon, on the job training, personal trainers at the gym, puppy training, and potty training. Our everyday lives are full of training examples. Here are some characteristics of training. Training is a deliberate and planned activity; training doesn't just happen. Training is also in preparation for the real thing, whatever that might be; military train for war, runners train for the big race, at a new job we train so that we can do the a new job, at the gym we train to achieve a certain level of physical fitness, children potty train to move from diapers to the potty, and dogs under go training to become obedient. I think you get the picture. Training means that we calculate a method of activity and follow through to achieve a desired end. Training often requires practice and repetition until it is done right. Training may include correction and/or negative consequences.
In Hebrew the word ‘train’ also incorporates the idea of dedicating. When you dedicate something you set that something aside for something else or you assign something to a specific function, task or purpose. Dedication also has the implication that it is something set apart for God. Proverbs 22:6 is simply commanding us to set our children apart for God’s future purpose in their lives. We must remain disciplined in our training regimen so that our children reach adulthood with not only all the tools and maturity needed, but also ready and willing for the call of God in their lives.
How will we know if we are effective trainers? If you want to be an effective trainer you must first posses the knowledge it takes to transform something into something else. If there is a lack of knowledge about the subject the goal cannot be reached.
To be an effective trainer you must secondly be a model of success. If you have never run a marathon it will be hard to train someone without your personal experience to help them physically and mentally prepare. If you are weak and need to loose a few pounds you will loose credibility and clients as a personal trainer. Those we train deserve to have a worthy example of the goal in front of them.
Finally to be an effective trainer you must identify and overcome roadblocks such as bad parental legacies, creeping personal agendas, and reoccurring frustrations and disappointments.
If you fear you do not have the knowledge, are not yet the example you need to be and find yourself unaware of or unable to conquer the roadblocks in your training process, let me impress upon you some hope. There is tool to help us be effective trainers. It’s God’s Word. Listen to this verse, “All scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It straightens us out and teaches us to do what is right,” II Timothy 3:16.
The knowledge we need to train our children in the way they should go is found in scripture. It may not have answers to all our parenting questions, but the frame of reference we need to have when teaching our children how to behave, to be in relationship, and to love God comes from His Word. It will give us the knowledge of what is true, and right and wrong.
John 15:1-11 gives us the instruction for us to be the best model for our children. "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." Many times over the word ‘remain’ is used. Our job is to remain in him. Our job is not to fix things, not to fix our kids, not to worry about fixing our kids, and not to control things. Our job is simply to find Jesus and remain in him. It isn’t an easy task, but, God promises when we remain in him that He will change us, transformation will take place in us and fruit will be born in us. The fruit in our lives will be seen by our children. We will become the model our children need in their training if we remain in Jesus.
God’s Word, again, will be our guide when we need to overcome roadblocks. It will be difficult to see and break the bad patterns and parenting styles passed down to us by our parents. But there are many verses that outline how to love and discipline our children God’s way. There may be times where our own personal agendas creep in and we find we have missed a teachable moment with our child. God’s word will fill us with forgiveness and hope for the next opportunity. Finally God’s word will be where we find encouragement and strength when we feel frustrated and disappointed in ourselves or our children. In the discussion questions I would like to think of some verses we can put in our little toolboxes for moments when we hit these roadblocks.
Moving on into the “way they should go.” The Matthew Henry commentary has these thoughts, “Not the way they would go, but the way in which if you love them, you would have them go.” I find that idea helpful. Identifying that the way they would go if left up to them would not be the best way to go. Our experience and knowledge from many more years of life helps us choose better ‘ways’ for them, ‘ways’ that they are unable to discern at their young age. This commentary also tells us that they should be “trained up as soldiers, who are taught to handle their arms, keep rank, and observe the word of command.” It’s hard to think you are training up soldiers when you are wiping PB&J from their hands, faces and out of their hair, but there are some good correlations we can draw. Handling arms could be like handling their mouths/speech and hands/legs which can be used as hurtful weapons. Keeping rank and observing the word of command goes along with respecting authority and obeying rules. In many ways we are training as you would train a soldier.
Another commentary from John Gill, looks at Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers do not exasperate your children; instead bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” The Lord’s training and instruction being, “praying for them, extending grace, giving them God’s word, teaching them duty to God and man, setting good examples of holy living.” Gill’s additional thought is, “All (this is) done according to their capacity fed little bits, a little bit at a time as their mouths can receive it.” I think that makes sense. Teach them a little at a time, incorporating more and more as they grow.
Psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend say in their material, “Raising Great Kids,” that our goal is not just to train children to be good children and eventually good adults, but to train them to have good character. They suggest six character traits to be developed:
Connectedness, an ability to form relationships
Responsibility, realization that his/her life is his/her problem
Reality, learn to accept the negatives of the real world
Competence, know and use God given gifts and talents
Conscience, a sense of right and wrong
Worship, God is in charge of their live – separate faith than parents
Cloud and Townsend do an excellent job through their material in helping us form these traits in our children. Perhaps in the future we will be able to go through it. For now, however, I’d like to break it down into a simpler model. It comes from a passage in Luke where we find the only verse about Jesus as he grew. Luke 2:52, “and Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man.” At a Christian sports summer camp where I worked during college, this verse was taught to all the children as the Four-Square life. Jesus is our ultimate model, so this verse carries some weight. Let’s break it down into four parts, grow in love for God, grow in love for people, grow in stature and grow in wisdom.
As Cloud and Townsend said we are to raise more than good children we are to raise children with good character, and these two models are differentiated by a growing love for God. Showing God our love for him involves learning and obeying his commands, learning respect for ourselves and others as God’s creation and learning to worship him through prayer and song and serving. Use the discussion questions in the Discussion post to help you brainstorm ideas for training ideas to help your child grow in love for God by their age.
I hope tonight as we were able to think about the word training you were able to come away with some clarity on not only the seriousness of the task of training but that God’s word is our source for instruction on the way they should go. It will provide us with the knowledge we need to complete this task. It will help us be the model they need by directing us to remain in Christ. It will also help us overcome roadblocks and obstacles in the training process.
I also hope that when you are deciding on ‘the way they should go’, you will remember Luke 2:52 and Christ’s example as a child being trained to love God, love people and grow in stature and wisdom. Next time we meet we will discuss the other 3 squares to the 4 square life and again brainstorm ways to train our children in these remaining areas.

Training Your Child Part I Discussion Questions

What images come to mind when you think about training?
What roadblocks to you think you have in being an effective trainer?
What are some scripture verses to help you overcome your roadblocks?
What is the difference between good children and children with good character?
Training Children to Love God - Think of ways to train children at the following ages:
0-18m –
18-36m –
36m-4yr –
5yr –
Write down your next step in training your child. If you have more than one child write an action step for each child.