Transforming Holiday Traditions:
Notes from Redeeming the Season, by Kim Wier and Pam McCune
Tips for the season…. “A fulfilling and spiritually rewarding Christmas begins with a personal investment made before the first ornament is taken out of the box.” (pg 119)
1. Allow Christ to redeem our hearts… ‘A redeemed heart says, “nothing will come between me and Jesus, not carpools nor telemarketers nor PTA projects nor dirty diapers nor demanding bosses nor sheer exhaustion nor any created thing.”’ (pg 120) Make this your mantra for the holiday season, repeat it regularly to stay focused.
2. Set time aside daily for God, don’t let to-do lists interrupt your time with our Savior. Without him, this season doesn’t even exist.
Develop family traditions (a family - the first key element in the Christmas story) Colossians 1:15-17
Ornament Boxes (my mom’s gift to me when I married Dave - she bought an ornament for me each year as a child and then gave me all the ornaments when I got married so that I could have a good start to my own tree)
Tree Night – hunting, decorating, special dinner --Make this a special family night where you do the same thing each year.
3. Reach out to others (a message - the second key element in the Christmas Story) John 1:29
Christmas Nails - look for these at your local Christian store.
Coffee and Caroling - set a night to invite friends and neighbors over to enjoy some holiday fun.
Caring through Sharing – gifting your used toys, we accumulate so many toys at Christmas time, use this time to purge your house of unused toys and donate them to a charity.
Christmas Card Prayers - as you receive Christmas cards from family and friends, share them with your family during the dinner hour and pray for each family as you pray for your dinner.
4. Participate in significant worship (a Savior - the final key element in the Christmas Story) Revelation 4:11
Nativity Central (tell parts of the story in the days leading up to Christmas, adding to the story each time… act out the story with the figures
Read the Christmas Story on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day (Luke 2:1-14)
Worship in Song – Campfire Night or Christmas Night or even Christmas Morning, express thankfulness (wrapped present for Jesus, thank you notes to Jesus - each of these activities is meant to give you the chance to thank Jesus for all he has done in your life and to offer something of yourself to Jesus as a gift.
Training Your Child Part II
Train Your Child Part II
In Part I of Train Your Child we took a deeper look at Proverbs 22:6. “Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” We talked extensively about the word “train”, the tools we need to train, the type of trainer we need to be, and the roadblocks we might encounter in the training process. I believe this verse is telling us to set our children apart for God’s future purpose in their lives. We also looked into Luke 2:52 as a powerful example of the ways in which Jesus grew as he was trained in childhood. Luke 2:52 says, “And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man.” For practical application we started to break down this verse and brainstorm ways to develop these traits in our children at various ages. In Part II I would like to build on the discussion about training and provide 3 techniques in addition that will help us reach our goal in parenting.
When we looked at training we were looking at a bigger picture. Within that bigger picture of training are specific techniques. Training is one of the techniques to use to achieve the broader goal of training our children in the way they should go. There is also a modeling technique, a teaching technique and a grace technique. First let’s begin with the modeling technique. We previously looked at how we were going to be good models by remaining in Christ when we spend time with him and put ourselves in God’s word. Not one of us can be the model that leads a child in the path he should go if we are not on the path ourselves. In Part II I want to emphasize how modeling will help our children reach the goals we have them. Listen to this excerpt from Donna Otto, author of Finding Your Purpose as a Mom,
"There is almost no limit to the things you can teach children through your example. You can model a love of books and a taste for learning. You can model good habits, such as prayer, cleaning up after yourself, keeping your closet organized, even flossing…By itself your example will not guarantee that your children will “catch” what you want them to. But your example shows them what is possible. It demonstrates what matters enough to invest your life in. By staying married to your husband and working out your problems, you demonstrate that people really can honor commitments for a lifetime—a powerful and life-giving message in this day of disposable marriages. By praying about your problems in front of your children—and sharing with them the answers to your prayers—you demonstrate that prayer is an important part of life. So much of what your children become, they will pick up by watching you everyday.”
Modeling can be a powerful technique in helping our children grown in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man. Just by practicing right behavior and right attitudes ourselves, our children will learn and copy that behavior and attitude. For example, we want our children to learn to pray to God. When we pray at mealtime and bedtime, we are modeling prayer. They will see this behavior as “what adults do.” And will therefore seek to copy us.
Teaching is another technique we need to talk about. It might sound as though teaching and training are very similar. Let’s distinguish between teaching and training a little. Listen to the two definitions Donna Otto gives for these words, “Teaching, essentially means imparting information or demonstrating skills, --giving facts, demonstrating techniques, explaining why…Training involves shaping her will and her habits, … training is our intentional effort to affect a child’s overall interaction with you and the world” (pg 178, 180). We see the idea of teaching in the verses 6-9 of Deuteronomy 6 where we are told to repeat the commands (God’s law) to our children, to talk about them at home, on trips, when going to bed and when waking, tie them to our hands and write them on our foreheads, doors and gates. Teaching is getting the information to them. Training as implicated in Proverbs 22:6 is shaping their characters, producing response that suggests more than just knowledge of right thinking, but hearts filled to move to right actions and attitudes. Let’s look at the previous example of wanting our children to pray to God. We will teach them what to say when they pray, so they will learn who to pray to (God, Jesus, Holy Spirit), how to pray (hands folded, heads bowed), what to pray about and when to pray. We will train them by expecting them to pray at bedtimes and mealtimes.
Finally the fourth technique to helping our children grow is extending grace. One final excerpt from Donna Otto, “Even as we work to teach our children and train them and model right behavior to them, we need to be in the constant process of extending grace to them. Giving grace is a matter of being patient with the growing process. It’s a matter of allowing for mistakes and encouraging second tries. It’s a matter of focusing on the possibilities of a relationship and the potential for a yet imperfect person, expecting the best and forgiving the worst, and helping those we love find new solutions when none of the old ones have worked” (pg 184). Extending grace in the example of prayer might look like reminding them to pray when they have forgotten at a mealtime or bedtime.
Even though these 4 techniques go hand in hand and build upon each other, training is our fundamental place to start. Teaching follows when questions of 'why do we do this?' begin to arise, modeling when he is able to copy your example, and grace when he understands he has forgotten to do something or how to do it. Listen to this final example and notice how the four techniques are used to help a child reach a goal you have for them. Let’s say you want your child to grow into an adult who brushes his or her teeth. You will begin this process by getting out the tooth and brushing their teeth. Since they are not capable of doing so themselves at such a young age, you train them that brushing teeth is a part of the bedtime and wake-time routines. Then as they grow you allow them to see you brush your teeth. From there you begin to teach them how to brush their own teeth. You might make a chart to record when they do so. Finally, you extend grace and bring the toothbrush to them should they forget one morning or evening. Using these 4 techniques will bring about the opportunities that your child needs to take up new and important responsibilities as an adult.
The discussion worksheets take the four square life and a character quality that a child should master in each one. A definition for each square of the 4-Square Life, from Luke 2:52 is included at the top of the page. For each character quality examples for development in our children, using the techniques of modeling, teaching, training and extending grace, are given for each age group. Take a look at these examples and spend time thinking of your next parenting move! Maybe for you it will be beginning to model right behavior to them because there are areas where you are not walking the talk. Possibly you need to spend some time in scripture learning some basic principles to be able to teach your child the right behavior and attitude. Perhaps it is time to break out the charts and stickers and start holding them accountable for the behavior you have been teaching. It could also be that it is time for your children to hear about grace. Certainly these lists are just the beginning. I encourage you to be in dialogue with at least one other mom who is trying to be deliberate about training her child in the way he should go. You can have someone to share trials and triumphs with. We are all new and inexperienced in this journey. It is good to team up together.
In Part I of Train Your Child we took a deeper look at Proverbs 22:6. “Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” We talked extensively about the word “train”, the tools we need to train, the type of trainer we need to be, and the roadblocks we might encounter in the training process. I believe this verse is telling us to set our children apart for God’s future purpose in their lives. We also looked into Luke 2:52 as a powerful example of the ways in which Jesus grew as he was trained in childhood. Luke 2:52 says, “And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man.” For practical application we started to break down this verse and brainstorm ways to develop these traits in our children at various ages. In Part II I would like to build on the discussion about training and provide 3 techniques in addition that will help us reach our goal in parenting.
When we looked at training we were looking at a bigger picture. Within that bigger picture of training are specific techniques. Training is one of the techniques to use to achieve the broader goal of training our children in the way they should go. There is also a modeling technique, a teaching technique and a grace technique. First let’s begin with the modeling technique. We previously looked at how we were going to be good models by remaining in Christ when we spend time with him and put ourselves in God’s word. Not one of us can be the model that leads a child in the path he should go if we are not on the path ourselves. In Part II I want to emphasize how modeling will help our children reach the goals we have them. Listen to this excerpt from Donna Otto, author of Finding Your Purpose as a Mom,
"There is almost no limit to the things you can teach children through your example. You can model a love of books and a taste for learning. You can model good habits, such as prayer, cleaning up after yourself, keeping your closet organized, even flossing…By itself your example will not guarantee that your children will “catch” what you want them to. But your example shows them what is possible. It demonstrates what matters enough to invest your life in. By staying married to your husband and working out your problems, you demonstrate that people really can honor commitments for a lifetime—a powerful and life-giving message in this day of disposable marriages. By praying about your problems in front of your children—and sharing with them the answers to your prayers—you demonstrate that prayer is an important part of life. So much of what your children become, they will pick up by watching you everyday.”
Modeling can be a powerful technique in helping our children grown in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man. Just by practicing right behavior and right attitudes ourselves, our children will learn and copy that behavior and attitude. For example, we want our children to learn to pray to God. When we pray at mealtime and bedtime, we are modeling prayer. They will see this behavior as “what adults do.” And will therefore seek to copy us.
Teaching is another technique we need to talk about. It might sound as though teaching and training are very similar. Let’s distinguish between teaching and training a little. Listen to the two definitions Donna Otto gives for these words, “Teaching, essentially means imparting information or demonstrating skills, --giving facts, demonstrating techniques, explaining why…Training involves shaping her will and her habits, … training is our intentional effort to affect a child’s overall interaction with you and the world” (pg 178, 180). We see the idea of teaching in the verses 6-9 of Deuteronomy 6 where we are told to repeat the commands (God’s law) to our children, to talk about them at home, on trips, when going to bed and when waking, tie them to our hands and write them on our foreheads, doors and gates. Teaching is getting the information to them. Training as implicated in Proverbs 22:6 is shaping their characters, producing response that suggests more than just knowledge of right thinking, but hearts filled to move to right actions and attitudes. Let’s look at the previous example of wanting our children to pray to God. We will teach them what to say when they pray, so they will learn who to pray to (God, Jesus, Holy Spirit), how to pray (hands folded, heads bowed), what to pray about and when to pray. We will train them by expecting them to pray at bedtimes and mealtimes.
Finally the fourth technique to helping our children grow is extending grace. One final excerpt from Donna Otto, “Even as we work to teach our children and train them and model right behavior to them, we need to be in the constant process of extending grace to them. Giving grace is a matter of being patient with the growing process. It’s a matter of allowing for mistakes and encouraging second tries. It’s a matter of focusing on the possibilities of a relationship and the potential for a yet imperfect person, expecting the best and forgiving the worst, and helping those we love find new solutions when none of the old ones have worked” (pg 184). Extending grace in the example of prayer might look like reminding them to pray when they have forgotten at a mealtime or bedtime.
Even though these 4 techniques go hand in hand and build upon each other, training is our fundamental place to start. Teaching follows when questions of 'why do we do this?' begin to arise, modeling when he is able to copy your example, and grace when he understands he has forgotten to do something or how to do it. Listen to this final example and notice how the four techniques are used to help a child reach a goal you have for them. Let’s say you want your child to grow into an adult who brushes his or her teeth. You will begin this process by getting out the tooth and brushing their teeth. Since they are not capable of doing so themselves at such a young age, you train them that brushing teeth is a part of the bedtime and wake-time routines. Then as they grow you allow them to see you brush your teeth. From there you begin to teach them how to brush their own teeth. You might make a chart to record when they do so. Finally, you extend grace and bring the toothbrush to them should they forget one morning or evening. Using these 4 techniques will bring about the opportunities that your child needs to take up new and important responsibilities as an adult.
The discussion worksheets take the four square life and a character quality that a child should master in each one. A definition for each square of the 4-Square Life, from Luke 2:52 is included at the top of the page. For each character quality examples for development in our children, using the techniques of modeling, teaching, training and extending grace, are given for each age group. Take a look at these examples and spend time thinking of your next parenting move! Maybe for you it will be beginning to model right behavior to them because there are areas where you are not walking the talk. Possibly you need to spend some time in scripture learning some basic principles to be able to teach your child the right behavior and attitude. Perhaps it is time to break out the charts and stickers and start holding them accountable for the behavior you have been teaching. It could also be that it is time for your children to hear about grace. Certainly these lists are just the beginning. I encourage you to be in dialogue with at least one other mom who is trying to be deliberate about training her child in the way he should go. You can have someone to share trials and triumphs with. We are all new and inexperienced in this journey. It is good to team up together.
4 Square Life - Character Trait Examples using the four techniques
Wisdom:
Gaining in knowledge, understanding, and discernment; developing a sense of right and wrong; understanding when to stand firm and when to bend.
Trait Example: Building Character, honesty and manners
0-18 months
Model – speaking to others politely, using polite words
Teach – using words like ‘please’ and ‘thank you’
Train – carry out the action, having them say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’
Grace – give them gentle reminders when they forget
1.5 – 2
Model – demonstrate when you are wrong, apologize
Teach – explain rewards and consequences to behavior
Train – have them experience the rewards and consequences for behaviors
Grace – give them second chances to make good choices
3-4
Model – model in your relationships and interactions with others
Teach – teach them to express emotions constructively
Train – use charts and stickers
Grace – use ‘I forgive you’ when your child apologizes
Stature:
Growing to physical adulthood, but also becoming a person of integrity, character, and strength.
Trait Example: Building a healthy lifestyle
0-18 months
Model – taking walks with your child, limiting TV
Teach – teach them to eat good foods
Train – giving them baths and washing hands, cleanliness
Grace – reminders to wash, eat veggies, limit TV, and give some treats
Favor with God:
Growing into someone who loves and trusts God, who knows the Lord’s voice and obeys, who delights in God’s Word, who loves God and others and puts that love into action.
Trait Example: Growing into a person who prays
0-18 months
Model – Pray over them
Teach –
Train – Pray at mealtimes
Grace –
1.5 – 2
Model – let them see you praying
Teach – teach them simple prayers, how to bow head, fold hands
Train – pray at mealtimes and bedtimes
Grace –
3-4
Model – model deeper prayers
Teach – teach deeper prayers (beyond ‘thank you’)
Train – pray at mealtimes and bedtimes and begin praying at other times
Grace – remind them to pray (make a chart)
Favor with Man:
Growing into someone who gets along with others as much as possible without endangering his relationship with God A person who is kind, courteous, thoughtful, loving, who puts others first, who gets along without mindlessly conforming.
Trait Example: Kindness toward Others
0-18 months
Model – tone of voice
Teach – sharing
Train – sharing
Grace – helping them find solutions like sharing, taking turns, play with something else
1.5 – 2
Model – take turns
Teach – teach them not to hit, bite, kick, etc
Train – to help pick up toys
Grace – saying sorry and I forgive you
3-4
Model – holding doors
Teach – helping others with tasks, unloading dishwasher, setting the table
Train – begin playing games that involve taking turns, let others go first
Grace – explain Grace to your child
Gaining in knowledge, understanding, and discernment; developing a sense of right and wrong; understanding when to stand firm and when to bend.
Trait Example: Building Character, honesty and manners
0-18 months
Model – speaking to others politely, using polite words
Teach – using words like ‘please’ and ‘thank you’
Train – carry out the action, having them say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’
Grace – give them gentle reminders when they forget
1.5 – 2
Model – demonstrate when you are wrong, apologize
Teach – explain rewards and consequences to behavior
Train – have them experience the rewards and consequences for behaviors
Grace – give them second chances to make good choices
3-4
Model – model in your relationships and interactions with others
Teach – teach them to express emotions constructively
Train – use charts and stickers
Grace – use ‘I forgive you’ when your child apologizes
Stature:
Growing to physical adulthood, but also becoming a person of integrity, character, and strength.
Trait Example: Building a healthy lifestyle
0-18 months
Model – taking walks with your child, limiting TV
Teach – teach them to eat good foods
Train – giving them baths and washing hands, cleanliness
Grace – reminders to wash, eat veggies, limit TV, and give some treats
Favor with God:
Growing into someone who loves and trusts God, who knows the Lord’s voice and obeys, who delights in God’s Word, who loves God and others and puts that love into action.
Trait Example: Growing into a person who prays
0-18 months
Model – Pray over them
Teach –
Train – Pray at mealtimes
Grace –
1.5 – 2
Model – let them see you praying
Teach – teach them simple prayers, how to bow head, fold hands
Train – pray at mealtimes and bedtimes
Grace –
3-4
Model – model deeper prayers
Teach – teach deeper prayers (beyond ‘thank you’)
Train – pray at mealtimes and bedtimes and begin praying at other times
Grace – remind them to pray (make a chart)
Favor with Man:
Growing into someone who gets along with others as much as possible without endangering his relationship with God A person who is kind, courteous, thoughtful, loving, who puts others first, who gets along without mindlessly conforming.
Trait Example: Kindness toward Others
0-18 months
Model – tone of voice
Teach – sharing
Train – sharing
Grace – helping them find solutions like sharing, taking turns, play with something else
1.5 – 2
Model – take turns
Teach – teach them not to hit, bite, kick, etc
Train – to help pick up toys
Grace – saying sorry and I forgive you
3-4
Model – holding doors
Teach – helping others with tasks, unloading dishwasher, setting the table
Train – begin playing games that involve taking turns, let others go first
Grace – explain Grace to your child
Training Your Child Part I
We are going to start with a verse I’m sure you are all familiar with, Proverbs 22:6. It says, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” This verse, like others in Proverbs, is not a promise, but a probability. If we do as we are told, train a child in the way he should go, the outcome will most likely be favorable, when he is old he will not depart from it. We have something to hope for when we choose to follow the instruction in Proverbs 22:6.
I’m sure you have already begun to realize this is a loaded verse. Many practical questions arise about training a child in the way he should go. Here are some questions we may have: What is the bible asking us to do when it says train a child? How do we know we are effective at the training? Eighteen years is a long time to wait to find out if we have been effective. What roadblocks will we come across in the training process? What does “in the way they should go” actually mean?
What does it mean to train? Let’s start by thinking about the word ‘train.’ In what contexts are we familiar with training? Think on each of these settings for training; military training, training for a marathon, on the job training, personal trainers at the gym, puppy training, and potty training. Our everyday lives are full of training examples. Here are some characteristics of training. Training is a deliberate and planned activity; training doesn't just happen. Training is also in preparation for the real thing, whatever that might be; military train for war, runners train for the big race, at a new job we train so that we can do the a new job, at the gym we train to achieve a certain level of physical fitness, children potty train to move from diapers to the potty, and dogs under go training to become obedient. I think you get the picture. Training means that we calculate a method of activity and follow through to achieve a desired end. Training often requires practice and repetition until it is done right. Training may include correction and/or negative consequences.
In Hebrew the word ‘train’ also incorporates the idea of dedicating. When you dedicate something you set that something aside for something else or you assign something to a specific function, task or purpose. Dedication also has the implication that it is something set apart for God. Proverbs 22:6 is simply commanding us to set our children apart for God’s future purpose in their lives. We must remain disciplined in our training regimen so that our children reach adulthood with not only all the tools and maturity needed, but also ready and willing for the call of God in their lives.
How will we know if we are effective trainers? If you want to be an effective trainer you must first posses the knowledge it takes to transform something into something else. If there is a lack of knowledge about the subject the goal cannot be reached.
To be an effective trainer you must secondly be a model of success. If you have never run a marathon it will be hard to train someone without your personal experience to help them physically and mentally prepare. If you are weak and need to loose a few pounds you will loose credibility and clients as a personal trainer. Those we train deserve to have a worthy example of the goal in front of them.
Finally to be an effective trainer you must identify and overcome roadblocks such as bad parental legacies, creeping personal agendas, and reoccurring frustrations and disappointments.
If you fear you do not have the knowledge, are not yet the example you need to be and find yourself unaware of or unable to conquer the roadblocks in your training process, let me impress upon you some hope. There is tool to help us be effective trainers. It’s God’s Word. Listen to this verse, “All scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It straightens us out and teaches us to do what is right,” II Timothy 3:16.
The knowledge we need to train our children in the way they should go is found in scripture. It may not have answers to all our parenting questions, but the frame of reference we need to have when teaching our children how to behave, to be in relationship, and to love God comes from His Word. It will give us the knowledge of what is true, and right and wrong.
John 15:1-11 gives us the instruction for us to be the best model for our children. "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." Many times over the word ‘remain’ is used. Our job is to remain in him. Our job is not to fix things, not to fix our kids, not to worry about fixing our kids, and not to control things. Our job is simply to find Jesus and remain in him. It isn’t an easy task, but, God promises when we remain in him that He will change us, transformation will take place in us and fruit will be born in us. The fruit in our lives will be seen by our children. We will become the model our children need in their training if we remain in Jesus.
God’s Word, again, will be our guide when we need to overcome roadblocks. It will be difficult to see and break the bad patterns and parenting styles passed down to us by our parents. But there are many verses that outline how to love and discipline our children God’s way. There may be times where our own personal agendas creep in and we find we have missed a teachable moment with our child. God’s word will fill us with forgiveness and hope for the next opportunity. Finally God’s word will be where we find encouragement and strength when we feel frustrated and disappointed in ourselves or our children. In the discussion questions I would like to think of some verses we can put in our little toolboxes for moments when we hit these roadblocks.
Moving on into the “way they should go.” The Matthew Henry commentary has these thoughts, “Not the way they would go, but the way in which if you love them, you would have them go.” I find that idea helpful. Identifying that the way they would go if left up to them would not be the best way to go. Our experience and knowledge from many more years of life helps us choose better ‘ways’ for them, ‘ways’ that they are unable to discern at their young age. This commentary also tells us that they should be “trained up as soldiers, who are taught to handle their arms, keep rank, and observe the word of command.” It’s hard to think you are training up soldiers when you are wiping PB&J from their hands, faces and out of their hair, but there are some good correlations we can draw. Handling arms could be like handling their mouths/speech and hands/legs which can be used as hurtful weapons. Keeping rank and observing the word of command goes along with respecting authority and obeying rules. In many ways we are training as you would train a soldier.
Another commentary from John Gill, looks at Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers do not exasperate your children; instead bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” The Lord’s training and instruction being, “praying for them, extending grace, giving them God’s word, teaching them duty to God and man, setting good examples of holy living.” Gill’s additional thought is, “All (this is) done according to their capacity fed little bits, a little bit at a time as their mouths can receive it.” I think that makes sense. Teach them a little at a time, incorporating more and more as they grow.
Psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend say in their material, “Raising Great Kids,” that our goal is not just to train children to be good children and eventually good adults, but to train them to have good character. They suggest six character traits to be developed:
Connectedness, an ability to form relationships
Responsibility, realization that his/her life is his/her problem
Reality, learn to accept the negatives of the real world
Competence, know and use God given gifts and talents
Conscience, a sense of right and wrong
Worship, God is in charge of their live – separate faith than parents
Cloud and Townsend do an excellent job through their material in helping us form these traits in our children. Perhaps in the future we will be able to go through it. For now, however, I’d like to break it down into a simpler model. It comes from a passage in Luke where we find the only verse about Jesus as he grew. Luke 2:52, “and Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man.” At a Christian sports summer camp where I worked during college, this verse was taught to all the children as the Four-Square life. Jesus is our ultimate model, so this verse carries some weight. Let’s break it down into four parts, grow in love for God, grow in love for people, grow in stature and grow in wisdom.
As Cloud and Townsend said we are to raise more than good children we are to raise children with good character, and these two models are differentiated by a growing love for God. Showing God our love for him involves learning and obeying his commands, learning respect for ourselves and others as God’s creation and learning to worship him through prayer and song and serving. Use the discussion questions in the Discussion post to help you brainstorm ideas for training ideas to help your child grow in love for God by their age.
I hope tonight as we were able to think about the word training you were able to come away with some clarity on not only the seriousness of the task of training but that God’s word is our source for instruction on the way they should go. It will provide us with the knowledge we need to complete this task. It will help us be the model they need by directing us to remain in Christ. It will also help us overcome roadblocks and obstacles in the training process.
I also hope that when you are deciding on ‘the way they should go’, you will remember Luke 2:52 and Christ’s example as a child being trained to love God, love people and grow in stature and wisdom. Next time we meet we will discuss the other 3 squares to the 4 square life and again brainstorm ways to train our children in these remaining areas.
I’m sure you have already begun to realize this is a loaded verse. Many practical questions arise about training a child in the way he should go. Here are some questions we may have: What is the bible asking us to do when it says train a child? How do we know we are effective at the training? Eighteen years is a long time to wait to find out if we have been effective. What roadblocks will we come across in the training process? What does “in the way they should go” actually mean?
What does it mean to train? Let’s start by thinking about the word ‘train.’ In what contexts are we familiar with training? Think on each of these settings for training; military training, training for a marathon, on the job training, personal trainers at the gym, puppy training, and potty training. Our everyday lives are full of training examples. Here are some characteristics of training. Training is a deliberate and planned activity; training doesn't just happen. Training is also in preparation for the real thing, whatever that might be; military train for war, runners train for the big race, at a new job we train so that we can do the a new job, at the gym we train to achieve a certain level of physical fitness, children potty train to move from diapers to the potty, and dogs under go training to become obedient. I think you get the picture. Training means that we calculate a method of activity and follow through to achieve a desired end. Training often requires practice and repetition until it is done right. Training may include correction and/or negative consequences.
In Hebrew the word ‘train’ also incorporates the idea of dedicating. When you dedicate something you set that something aside for something else or you assign something to a specific function, task or purpose. Dedication also has the implication that it is something set apart for God. Proverbs 22:6 is simply commanding us to set our children apart for God’s future purpose in their lives. We must remain disciplined in our training regimen so that our children reach adulthood with not only all the tools and maturity needed, but also ready and willing for the call of God in their lives.
How will we know if we are effective trainers? If you want to be an effective trainer you must first posses the knowledge it takes to transform something into something else. If there is a lack of knowledge about the subject the goal cannot be reached.
To be an effective trainer you must secondly be a model of success. If you have never run a marathon it will be hard to train someone without your personal experience to help them physically and mentally prepare. If you are weak and need to loose a few pounds you will loose credibility and clients as a personal trainer. Those we train deserve to have a worthy example of the goal in front of them.
Finally to be an effective trainer you must identify and overcome roadblocks such as bad parental legacies, creeping personal agendas, and reoccurring frustrations and disappointments.
If you fear you do not have the knowledge, are not yet the example you need to be and find yourself unaware of or unable to conquer the roadblocks in your training process, let me impress upon you some hope. There is tool to help us be effective trainers. It’s God’s Word. Listen to this verse, “All scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It straightens us out and teaches us to do what is right,” II Timothy 3:16.
The knowledge we need to train our children in the way they should go is found in scripture. It may not have answers to all our parenting questions, but the frame of reference we need to have when teaching our children how to behave, to be in relationship, and to love God comes from His Word. It will give us the knowledge of what is true, and right and wrong.
John 15:1-11 gives us the instruction for us to be the best model for our children. "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." Many times over the word ‘remain’ is used. Our job is to remain in him. Our job is not to fix things, not to fix our kids, not to worry about fixing our kids, and not to control things. Our job is simply to find Jesus and remain in him. It isn’t an easy task, but, God promises when we remain in him that He will change us, transformation will take place in us and fruit will be born in us. The fruit in our lives will be seen by our children. We will become the model our children need in their training if we remain in Jesus.
God’s Word, again, will be our guide when we need to overcome roadblocks. It will be difficult to see and break the bad patterns and parenting styles passed down to us by our parents. But there are many verses that outline how to love and discipline our children God’s way. There may be times where our own personal agendas creep in and we find we have missed a teachable moment with our child. God’s word will fill us with forgiveness and hope for the next opportunity. Finally God’s word will be where we find encouragement and strength when we feel frustrated and disappointed in ourselves or our children. In the discussion questions I would like to think of some verses we can put in our little toolboxes for moments when we hit these roadblocks.
Moving on into the “way they should go.” The Matthew Henry commentary has these thoughts, “Not the way they would go, but the way in which if you love them, you would have them go.” I find that idea helpful. Identifying that the way they would go if left up to them would not be the best way to go. Our experience and knowledge from many more years of life helps us choose better ‘ways’ for them, ‘ways’ that they are unable to discern at their young age. This commentary also tells us that they should be “trained up as soldiers, who are taught to handle their arms, keep rank, and observe the word of command.” It’s hard to think you are training up soldiers when you are wiping PB&J from their hands, faces and out of their hair, but there are some good correlations we can draw. Handling arms could be like handling their mouths/speech and hands/legs which can be used as hurtful weapons. Keeping rank and observing the word of command goes along with respecting authority and obeying rules. In many ways we are training as you would train a soldier.
Another commentary from John Gill, looks at Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers do not exasperate your children; instead bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” The Lord’s training and instruction being, “praying for them, extending grace, giving them God’s word, teaching them duty to God and man, setting good examples of holy living.” Gill’s additional thought is, “All (this is) done according to their capacity fed little bits, a little bit at a time as their mouths can receive it.” I think that makes sense. Teach them a little at a time, incorporating more and more as they grow.
Psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend say in their material, “Raising Great Kids,” that our goal is not just to train children to be good children and eventually good adults, but to train them to have good character. They suggest six character traits to be developed:
Connectedness, an ability to form relationships
Responsibility, realization that his/her life is his/her problem
Reality, learn to accept the negatives of the real world
Competence, know and use God given gifts and talents
Conscience, a sense of right and wrong
Worship, God is in charge of their live – separate faith than parents
Cloud and Townsend do an excellent job through their material in helping us form these traits in our children. Perhaps in the future we will be able to go through it. For now, however, I’d like to break it down into a simpler model. It comes from a passage in Luke where we find the only verse about Jesus as he grew. Luke 2:52, “and Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man.” At a Christian sports summer camp where I worked during college, this verse was taught to all the children as the Four-Square life. Jesus is our ultimate model, so this verse carries some weight. Let’s break it down into four parts, grow in love for God, grow in love for people, grow in stature and grow in wisdom.
As Cloud and Townsend said we are to raise more than good children we are to raise children with good character, and these two models are differentiated by a growing love for God. Showing God our love for him involves learning and obeying his commands, learning respect for ourselves and others as God’s creation and learning to worship him through prayer and song and serving. Use the discussion questions in the Discussion post to help you brainstorm ideas for training ideas to help your child grow in love for God by their age.
I hope tonight as we were able to think about the word training you were able to come away with some clarity on not only the seriousness of the task of training but that God’s word is our source for instruction on the way they should go. It will provide us with the knowledge we need to complete this task. It will help us be the model they need by directing us to remain in Christ. It will also help us overcome roadblocks and obstacles in the training process.
I also hope that when you are deciding on ‘the way they should go’, you will remember Luke 2:52 and Christ’s example as a child being trained to love God, love people and grow in stature and wisdom. Next time we meet we will discuss the other 3 squares to the 4 square life and again brainstorm ways to train our children in these remaining areas.
Training Your Child Part I Discussion Questions
What images come to mind when you think about training?
What roadblocks to you think you have in being an effective trainer?
What are some scripture verses to help you overcome your roadblocks?
What is the difference between good children and children with good character?
Training Children to Love God - Think of ways to train children at the following ages:
0-18m –
18-36m –
36m-4yr –
5yr –
Write down your next step in training your child. If you have more than one child write an action step for each child.
What roadblocks to you think you have in being an effective trainer?
What are some scripture verses to help you overcome your roadblocks?
What is the difference between good children and children with good character?
Training Children to Love God - Think of ways to train children at the following ages:
0-18m –
18-36m –
36m-4yr –
5yr –
Write down your next step in training your child. If you have more than one child write an action step for each child.
Parenting with Your Spouse
Parenting with Your Spouse
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, right?? What if the bible is true and men AND women are from Eden? Sometimes this truth is hard to believe. Isn’t it? Some of you are new to parenting and some of you have been parenting for a few years now. In either case, I’m sure you have noticed that the differences between men and women continue to be, well, existent, even in the world of parenting. My husband and I would like to think that we are pretty alike. We have the same type-A personality, we are first-borns, we like the same music and movies; we share thoughts about vacations and cars and dreams. I thought there would be little to discuss or disagree on when it came to parenting because we were ‘just alike’. We even had similar Christian family backgrounds and experienced similar disciplinary punishment from our parents as kids. But, we are not alike; we handle many parental situations differently and continue to disagree on some things. I have come to believe that this was God’s intent, and our children will become who God intends them to be if these differences continue to exist.
God had a parental design in place when he created man and woman. Made complete with the desire and the right tools, men and women procreate and populate! God even commands us to have children, “be fruitful and increase in number” says Genesis 1:28. IF he created us differently and created us to be parents, it would follow that God would give us clues as to how to parent well despite our differences. Tonight we are going to highlight some of the different instructions God gives to each sex, and how we can support our spouse as they aim to be the best parents to our children.
First hear this; your relationship with your spouse is of utmost importance. God created this relationship first. I believe I’m the best at parenting when things are going good in my marriage. Parenting expert Gary Ezzo says, “The husband-wife union is not just a good first step towards child-rearing. It is a necessary one. Too often, parents lose sight of this fact, getting lost in a parenting wonderland of photos, footsteps, and the first words. Baby becomes central to their existence. Yet the greatest overall influence you will have on your children will not come in your role as an individual parent, but in your joint role as husband and wife.” This group is designed primarily for moms to connect with other moms and sift through parenting advice, literature and experience. However, all this can be undone, without a growing marriage. Malachi 2:15a says, “God made husbands and wives to become one body and one spirit for His purpose – so they would have children who are true to God.” I urge you to work at your marriage. Our children are watching our every movement, and you can be they are watching how we are in relationship with our spouse.
Instructions for fathers: This information is not given so we can jump in the car after spending time together here tonight and drive home and teach our husbands. I share this so that we might better understand the role our husbands play as fathers and the way we are to support them. Fathers and husbands carry an enormous burden. They are driven to provide financial stability even husbands whose wives work and contribute significantly to the family income. It is in their DNA. They work to provide and build a career and yet that leaves them little time to be with the family. In Power of a Praying Wife Stormie Omartain says, “Thoughts of failure and inadequacy are what cause so many fathers to give up, leave, become overbearing from trying to hard, or develop a passive attitude and fade into the background of their children’s lives.” Our husbands have a heavy burden to carry.
The fatherly challenge says Dr David Blankenhorn is to be a good family man; a man who puts his family first. James Dobson writes his duties as father and husband are to serve as the family provider, to serve as the leader of the clan, to serve as protector, to provide spiritual direction at home. This is not an easy challenge, especially when fathers and husbands have so much opposition and confusion just from their wives. Have you ever wanted your husband home from work earlier and more often, and yet had a list of things you wanted to buy that were costly? They work harder and longer to be more successful and provide more money which takes them away from the family. They stay home more and miss out on the project that could have gave them the edge in a promotion, forfeiting the money needed to meet the lifestyle and material desires of their wives. How confusing for them!
The support we can give them as wives is crucial. I believe prayer is a key component. We can pray that they are good fathers. Stormie Omartain says, “If they are tortured with doubt and burdened with a sense of responsibility, we can minimize these feelings with our prayers.” Here are a few suggestions on what to pray.
Pray for clarity and guidance on how to handle parenting challenges.
Pray that he has desire and time to spend in God’s presence
Pray that he doesn’t doubt God’s love for him
Pray for healing where he has had a fallen or failed relationship with his own father
Pray that he knows how important he is to his children
Another key component in supporting our husbands in their role as parents is to give them time. So often I find myself being impatient with my husband’s ability or desire to father or parent. Becoming a father is a completely other experience than becoming a mother. Just the sheer bonding time that elapses during pregnancy leaves a father feeling like he’s an outsider from the start. So as wives, as mothers, we have to give these men a chance to adjust and grow and develop nurturing skills and so much more!
Third, there are so many things that we can say that will build their confidence as a father, and there are many things said that can tear confidence down. James Dobson says in his book Bringing up Boys, ‘If you show respect to him as a man, (your children) they will be more inclined to admire and emulate them.” Consider the following story,
I vividly recall sitting at the dinner table with my two brothers and father and mother and cringing at my mother’s attacks on my father. “Look at him,” she would say in Yiddish. “His shoulders are bent down, he’s a failure. He doesn’t’ have the courage to get a better job or make more money. He’s a beaten man.” He would keep his eyes pointed toward his plate and never answer her. She never extolled his virtues or persistence or the fact that he worked so hard. Instead she constantly focused on the negative and created an image to his three sons of a man without fight, crushed by a world over which he had no control.
His not fighting back against her constant criticism had the effect of confirming its validity to her sons. And my mother’s treatment and the picture of my father did not convey to me that marriage was happy state of being, or that women were basically people. I was not especially motivated to assume the role of husband and father myself from my observations of my whipped father.
Maybe we don’t seem this awful, but we need to look and listen to what we are saying to our husbands about their character and parenting. Remember that the day you became a mother, your husband became a father. You started this journey at the same time…you grow together.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, right?? What if the bible is true and men AND women are from Eden? Sometimes this truth is hard to believe. Isn’t it? Some of you are new to parenting and some of you have been parenting for a few years now. In either case, I’m sure you have noticed that the differences between men and women continue to be, well, existent, even in the world of parenting. My husband and I would like to think that we are pretty alike. We have the same type-A personality, we are first-borns, we like the same music and movies; we share thoughts about vacations and cars and dreams. I thought there would be little to discuss or disagree on when it came to parenting because we were ‘just alike’. We even had similar Christian family backgrounds and experienced similar disciplinary punishment from our parents as kids. But, we are not alike; we handle many parental situations differently and continue to disagree on some things. I have come to believe that this was God’s intent, and our children will become who God intends them to be if these differences continue to exist.
God had a parental design in place when he created man and woman. Made complete with the desire and the right tools, men and women procreate and populate! God even commands us to have children, “be fruitful and increase in number” says Genesis 1:28. IF he created us differently and created us to be parents, it would follow that God would give us clues as to how to parent well despite our differences. Tonight we are going to highlight some of the different instructions God gives to each sex, and how we can support our spouse as they aim to be the best parents to our children.
First hear this; your relationship with your spouse is of utmost importance. God created this relationship first. I believe I’m the best at parenting when things are going good in my marriage. Parenting expert Gary Ezzo says, “The husband-wife union is not just a good first step towards child-rearing. It is a necessary one. Too often, parents lose sight of this fact, getting lost in a parenting wonderland of photos, footsteps, and the first words. Baby becomes central to their existence. Yet the greatest overall influence you will have on your children will not come in your role as an individual parent, but in your joint role as husband and wife.” This group is designed primarily for moms to connect with other moms and sift through parenting advice, literature and experience. However, all this can be undone, without a growing marriage. Malachi 2:15a says, “God made husbands and wives to become one body and one spirit for His purpose – so they would have children who are true to God.” I urge you to work at your marriage. Our children are watching our every movement, and you can be they are watching how we are in relationship with our spouse.
Instructions for fathers: This information is not given so we can jump in the car after spending time together here tonight and drive home and teach our husbands. I share this so that we might better understand the role our husbands play as fathers and the way we are to support them. Fathers and husbands carry an enormous burden. They are driven to provide financial stability even husbands whose wives work and contribute significantly to the family income. It is in their DNA. They work to provide and build a career and yet that leaves them little time to be with the family. In Power of a Praying Wife Stormie Omartain says, “Thoughts of failure and inadequacy are what cause so many fathers to give up, leave, become overbearing from trying to hard, or develop a passive attitude and fade into the background of their children’s lives.” Our husbands have a heavy burden to carry.
The fatherly challenge says Dr David Blankenhorn is to be a good family man; a man who puts his family first. James Dobson writes his duties as father and husband are to serve as the family provider, to serve as the leader of the clan, to serve as protector, to provide spiritual direction at home. This is not an easy challenge, especially when fathers and husbands have so much opposition and confusion just from their wives. Have you ever wanted your husband home from work earlier and more often, and yet had a list of things you wanted to buy that were costly? They work harder and longer to be more successful and provide more money which takes them away from the family. They stay home more and miss out on the project that could have gave them the edge in a promotion, forfeiting the money needed to meet the lifestyle and material desires of their wives. How confusing for them!
The support we can give them as wives is crucial. I believe prayer is a key component. We can pray that they are good fathers. Stormie Omartain says, “If they are tortured with doubt and burdened with a sense of responsibility, we can minimize these feelings with our prayers.” Here are a few suggestions on what to pray.
Pray for clarity and guidance on how to handle parenting challenges.
Pray that he has desire and time to spend in God’s presence
Pray that he doesn’t doubt God’s love for him
Pray for healing where he has had a fallen or failed relationship with his own father
Pray that he knows how important he is to his children
Another key component in supporting our husbands in their role as parents is to give them time. So often I find myself being impatient with my husband’s ability or desire to father or parent. Becoming a father is a completely other experience than becoming a mother. Just the sheer bonding time that elapses during pregnancy leaves a father feeling like he’s an outsider from the start. So as wives, as mothers, we have to give these men a chance to adjust and grow and develop nurturing skills and so much more!
Third, there are so many things that we can say that will build their confidence as a father, and there are many things said that can tear confidence down. James Dobson says in his book Bringing up Boys, ‘If you show respect to him as a man, (your children) they will be more inclined to admire and emulate them.” Consider the following story,
I vividly recall sitting at the dinner table with my two brothers and father and mother and cringing at my mother’s attacks on my father. “Look at him,” she would say in Yiddish. “His shoulders are bent down, he’s a failure. He doesn’t’ have the courage to get a better job or make more money. He’s a beaten man.” He would keep his eyes pointed toward his plate and never answer her. She never extolled his virtues or persistence or the fact that he worked so hard. Instead she constantly focused on the negative and created an image to his three sons of a man without fight, crushed by a world over which he had no control.
His not fighting back against her constant criticism had the effect of confirming its validity to her sons. And my mother’s treatment and the picture of my father did not convey to me that marriage was happy state of being, or that women were basically people. I was not especially motivated to assume the role of husband and father myself from my observations of my whipped father.
Maybe we don’t seem this awful, but we need to look and listen to what we are saying to our husbands about their character and parenting. Remember that the day you became a mother, your husband became a father. You started this journey at the same time…you grow together.
Parenting with Your Spouse Discussion Questions
Do you and your husband have differences in the way you parent?
Because the husband-wife relationship was created by God first, and because a good marriage is important to successful parenting, what is one way you can grow your marriage?
List 3 positive things your husband does as a father. This week tell him what those things are.
Think of a way your husband struggles as a parent. Write it on the note card provided and commit to praying for him in this area weekly.
Reflect on a time when you criticized the way your husband handled a particular parenting issue. Could you have held your tongue? Or at minimum said something constructive?
Name one area where you need to be less controlling.
Think of a time when you looked at your child and thought before you was a “mini-me.” Are there images of Father God that you have because of the model your parents gave?
Because the husband-wife relationship was created by God first, and because a good marriage is important to successful parenting, what is one way you can grow your marriage?
List 3 positive things your husband does as a father. This week tell him what those things are.
Think of a way your husband struggles as a parent. Write it on the note card provided and commit to praying for him in this area weekly.
Reflect on a time when you criticized the way your husband handled a particular parenting issue. Could you have held your tongue? Or at minimum said something constructive?
Name one area where you need to be less controlling.
Think of a time when you looked at your child and thought before you was a “mini-me.” Are there images of Father God that you have because of the model your parents gave?
Prayer
I don’t think that many of us would object if I said our children need our prayers. Nor would we object that praying for them should begin even before they leave the womb. But I think it might be hard to define how much we should pray for them, exactly what we should pray about, and when it is we’re to find time to pray.
I’d like to begin talking about our parental fears. Because fears can stop us from praying, how does God want us to pray through fears? Then, I’d like to address praying over the hopes and dreams we have for our children. I have some tools to help us get started. Next, I’ll discuss the life of a busy mom and how to incorporate prayer into our lives, and also give some solace to the mom whose days are never alike and give her little free time. Finally I’ll end with how we set an example of faithfulness as praying parents. Last time we met, during our discussion time I asked the question, “what is your greatest fear for your children as a mom?” I was really surprised by all the different answers. How I answered the question was completely different than how someone else answered the question. Some of our fears were: that they wouldn’t recognize the love and value of family; that they would turn out to be just like us, inheriting all our junk as their own; that illness, disease or physical problems would disable them; that that they would make poor life choices; and that they would not ever really know who they are.
Fears do several things to us. Fears cripple us making us unable to move forward. We need clear plans to conquer fears and move past them. Fears cause us to retreat down a path of complacency. We may be afraid and choose to stay where it seems safe and free from confrontation. However, doing nothing rarely results in positive results. Fears can also blind us to God’s truth. Many times I’ve just been too afraid to concentrate on God’s promises and seem to get stuck in fear and doubt.
God says he has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and a sound mind, 2 Timothy 1:7. So what happens when we’re not feeling confident about when, how and what to pray about? How do we get a hold of fears when praying seems difficult?
For some reasons other than my children, I started putting a particular verse to practice. I think it is extremely helpful in aiding us as we pray for anything and delivering us from fear. Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Don’t worry or be fearful about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for what he’s done. If you do this you will experience God’s peace, which is far more than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”
As practical as it can get, on one side of sheet of paper I write the word fear, and on the other side I write prayer. I make a list of things that I’m really feeling fearful about, when I finish that list, I write a corresponding prayer to cover each fear. As God promises, I find myself receiving the peace that he promises. I continue with a list of needs, although it might seem redundant. Some slightly different things appear when we are vulnerable enough to tell God that we need something. I end with a list of things I’m thankful for; generally surrounding the issues I’ve just feared. It is incredible how this exercise changes the state of your mind… and I believe you will actually experience the spirit of power and sound mind that God says he has given us.
There will be seasons where we fear so much and seasons of little fear. The ebb and flow will have to do with our own spiritual journey, our children’s spiritual journeys, and natural changes that occur as children grow, for example, the 1st day of school, soccer or football practice, 1st school dance, graduation, etc. Remember, we can call upon God when we find ourselves in fear, we can step forward in faith, and we can use Phil 4:6-7 as an aid and pray through these fears for our children.
The last part of vs. 7 says this peace will guard our hearts and minds. I wondered what if our hearts and minds weren’t guarded. I think we’d have broken hearts and crazed minds. You’ve seen the overprotective, suffocating mom who has a broken heart because her children distance themselves from her. The mom, who can’t think or sleep or take care of her family because she is worried all the time about everything, has no peace of mind. These are not pictures of the mom I long to be or even the follow of Christ. God promises peace if we pray to him about our fears.
I’d like to begin talking about our parental fears. Because fears can stop us from praying, how does God want us to pray through fears? Then, I’d like to address praying over the hopes and dreams we have for our children. I have some tools to help us get started. Next, I’ll discuss the life of a busy mom and how to incorporate prayer into our lives, and also give some solace to the mom whose days are never alike and give her little free time. Finally I’ll end with how we set an example of faithfulness as praying parents. Last time we met, during our discussion time I asked the question, “what is your greatest fear for your children as a mom?” I was really surprised by all the different answers. How I answered the question was completely different than how someone else answered the question. Some of our fears were: that they wouldn’t recognize the love and value of family; that they would turn out to be just like us, inheriting all our junk as their own; that illness, disease or physical problems would disable them; that that they would make poor life choices; and that they would not ever really know who they are.
Fears do several things to us. Fears cripple us making us unable to move forward. We need clear plans to conquer fears and move past them. Fears cause us to retreat down a path of complacency. We may be afraid and choose to stay where it seems safe and free from confrontation. However, doing nothing rarely results in positive results. Fears can also blind us to God’s truth. Many times I’ve just been too afraid to concentrate on God’s promises and seem to get stuck in fear and doubt.
God says he has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and a sound mind, 2 Timothy 1:7. So what happens when we’re not feeling confident about when, how and what to pray about? How do we get a hold of fears when praying seems difficult?
For some reasons other than my children, I started putting a particular verse to practice. I think it is extremely helpful in aiding us as we pray for anything and delivering us from fear. Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Don’t worry or be fearful about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for what he’s done. If you do this you will experience God’s peace, which is far more than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”
As practical as it can get, on one side of sheet of paper I write the word fear, and on the other side I write prayer. I make a list of things that I’m really feeling fearful about, when I finish that list, I write a corresponding prayer to cover each fear. As God promises, I find myself receiving the peace that he promises. I continue with a list of needs, although it might seem redundant. Some slightly different things appear when we are vulnerable enough to tell God that we need something. I end with a list of things I’m thankful for; generally surrounding the issues I’ve just feared. It is incredible how this exercise changes the state of your mind… and I believe you will actually experience the spirit of power and sound mind that God says he has given us.
There will be seasons where we fear so much and seasons of little fear. The ebb and flow will have to do with our own spiritual journey, our children’s spiritual journeys, and natural changes that occur as children grow, for example, the 1st day of school, soccer or football practice, 1st school dance, graduation, etc. Remember, we can call upon God when we find ourselves in fear, we can step forward in faith, and we can use Phil 4:6-7 as an aid and pray through these fears for our children.
The last part of vs. 7 says this peace will guard our hearts and minds. I wondered what if our hearts and minds weren’t guarded. I think we’d have broken hearts and crazed minds. You’ve seen the overprotective, suffocating mom who has a broken heart because her children distance themselves from her. The mom, who can’t think or sleep or take care of her family because she is worried all the time about everything, has no peace of mind. These are not pictures of the mom I long to be or even the follow of Christ. God promises peace if we pray to him about our fears.
Prayer Discussion
Discussion
Fears: Philippians 4:6-7
FEARS-----------------------------PRAYER
NEEDS-----------------------------THANKSGIVING
Questions:
Share a creative prayer option:
What is one small step that you can take to begin praying more for you child(ren)?
Fears: Philippians 4:6-7
FEARS-----------------------------PRAYER
NEEDS-----------------------------THANKSGIVING
Questions:
Share a creative prayer option:
What is one small step that you can take to begin praying more for you child(ren)?
Love Discussion
Love : Discussion
What is your greatest fear for your children as a mom?
Loving out of a full tank
Do you know what drains your tank? What fills your tank?
- who are you with
- what are you doing
- where are you doing this
- When I do this, I feel most alive
Tank Illustration
If you (we) could accomplish one thing in the next 3 months, what would it be?
What is your greatest fear for your children as a mom?
Loving out of a full tank
Do you know what drains your tank? What fills your tank?
- who are you with
- what are you doing
- where are you doing this
- When I do this, I feel most alive
Tank Illustration
If you (we) could accomplish one thing in the next 3 months, what would it be?
Love
LOVE
Does it seem to you as though there is a parenting crisis? I hear it in the news everyday. Headlines are filled with stories about convicted felons, child molesters, killers and gang members. Our entertainment TV news thrives on stories of public figures in sex scandals, as drug addicts, and as teen alcoholics. We almost have to be reminded that these were once innocent children, once kids down our streets riding bikes and catching fireflies. Ok, well some may have been already shopping for Gucci purses! But these once babes, now wildly spinning out of control adults are destroying their lives and the lives of bystanders, friends, family members. We could argue that these people are adults; they have made theses destructive choices. One could claim that its no ones fault but their own. We could blame their schools, their cities, their churches or socioeconomic status. But, I can’t help to wonder who their parents are? Where are they? Did they feel loved as a child? What were they taught by their parents? Could they have help changed the course of destruction?
Is it just that children will turn out one way or another? What about my children? What will they turn out to be? My greatest fear as a mom is that my children will grow up to be Godless, destructive and alone. Is there impact and influence that I as a mom have in their lives that will affect what kind of adults they become? I think that most of us believe the parenting role is an influential relationship in a child’s life. Do we realize it is the most important role? I think we do.
Deep inside I hope that what I do now as a mom will impact them on into adulthood. I have to believe that I can train them, teach them, and model to them. You’ve seen it, I’ve seen it, and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. If my fear is that my children grow up into Godless, destructive and lonely adults; my hope for who they become as adults seems pretty clear to me. I want them to be God-filled, life-giving, relational adults. I have a strong suspicion that is what you want as well. So here it is, the “future,” our first crisis. Will our children grow up into every mother’s dream, or something else?
Does it seem to you as though there is a parenting crisis? I hear it in the news everyday. Headlines are filled with stories about convicted felons, child molesters, killers and gang members. Our entertainment TV news thrives on stories of public figures in sex scandals, as drug addicts, and as teen alcoholics. We almost have to be reminded that these were once innocent children, once kids down our streets riding bikes and catching fireflies. Ok, well some may have been already shopping for Gucci purses! But these once babes, now wildly spinning out of control adults are destroying their lives and the lives of bystanders, friends, family members. We could argue that these people are adults; they have made theses destructive choices. One could claim that its no ones fault but their own. We could blame their schools, their cities, their churches or socioeconomic status. But, I can’t help to wonder who their parents are? Where are they? Did they feel loved as a child? What were they taught by their parents? Could they have help changed the course of destruction?
Is it just that children will turn out one way or another? What about my children? What will they turn out to be? My greatest fear as a mom is that my children will grow up to be Godless, destructive and alone. Is there impact and influence that I as a mom have in their lives that will affect what kind of adults they become? I think that most of us believe the parenting role is an influential relationship in a child’s life. Do we realize it is the most important role? I think we do.
Deep inside I hope that what I do now as a mom will impact them on into adulthood. I have to believe that I can train them, teach them, and model to them. You’ve seen it, I’ve seen it, and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. If my fear is that my children grow up into Godless, destructive and lonely adults; my hope for who they become as adults seems pretty clear to me. I want them to be God-filled, life-giving, relational adults. I have a strong suspicion that is what you want as well. So here it is, the “future,” our first crisis. Will our children grow up into every mother’s dream, or something else?
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